Baby Meets World: Suck, Smile, Touch, Toddle: A Journey Through Infancy, Nicholas Day (St. Martin’s Press, 2013). All you really need to know about me, demographically, is that a couple of times a year someone I know will say, “Hey, we’re expecting our first baby! What books should we read?”
Thanks for this - I'm always trying to find as much ammo as possible to convince my friends who are on the fence about children that
1) kids are great; and
2) it doesn't *need* to be stressful and miserable
Aside from the societal-level demographic crisis, I think there's a huge amount of individual meaning and happiness being left on the table by people who would be great parents having been convinced that it's this awful, impossible thing.
Thanks a lot! Beautifully written and very informative, and helpful as I'm trying to integrate some personal observations with something less anecdotal.
Do you know of something similar for older ages? Childhood rather than infancy? I do note marked changes in children's behavior in different cultures (though I don't have illusions that this greatly shapes their adult characters), which I want to cherrypick for my kids.
The closest thing I’ve found is Hunt, Gather, Parent, which I hesitate to recommend because on the cultures I actually know anything about I think she elides a lot of the less savory aspects — yes, the Inuit are really undemonstrative emotionally except when they’re engaging in really horrific domestic and child abuse! — but which does put forward a couple of alternative models to the WEIRD concept of the relationship between parents and children. That said kids are so individual that the way you get to Outcome X with one won’t be the same as with another — the bigger Q is what you want your family culture to be, and how to make that work for your whole family.
I read that, and parts were interesting, and the motivation of the author seemed similar to mine. But I was left unsatisfied both by the small number of cultures, and by a sense that there wasn't the commitment to reporting the truth that anthropologists have, since the facts and message were a little too savoury for the WEIRD palate.
I am surprised to learn that "Nisa" has been described as documenting a messed-up society. A documentary film available on Kanopy, "N!ai, The Story of a !Kung Woman," very clearly contrasts changes to !Kung society over the 20th century, and I definitely have some preferences. Anyway, that was just an aside. Fantastic essay and I'm very glad to be introduced to your writing.
edit: I see that the book in question quotes Nisa's anger and pain over high child mortality, which, I mean... fair!
I'm going off my recollections of _Sick Societies_, because I got it from the library and don't have it in front of me, but I think that's basically right -- she may also have had something critical to say about the whole "giving birth alone in the wilderness" thing, which again, fair! I don't mean to imply that the !Kung are particularly bad, just that there are major downsides too which tend to get elided in our romanticization of a pastoral (foraging?) past.
I don’t think Caplan really messed up his kids, but I wouldn’t use his homeschooling program as an example of a great childhood. He writes:
“The plain fact is that my sons grew up with very few friends their own age. Critics will definitely blame homeschooling, but the truth is that the twins had few friends their own age even when they were in regular school. They’re old souls, who naturally have much more in common with adults. (That said, they are the most nurturing older brothers I have ever known). And since the twins were homeschooled, they were able to socialize with hundreds of fascinating, accomplished adults. We lived abroad for many months, and made friends in Germany, Britain, France, Switzerland, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Spain, Guatemala, Mexico, and all over the U.S. Especially Texas, where we spent three months of Covid. And with the exception of those three awful weeks of high school and three agonizing months of filling out college applications, Aidan and Tristan were pleased as punch throughout.”
Your own decisions as a parent directly or indirectly preventing your children from making actual friends is a pretty serious failure of parenting, regardless of whether this resulted from the homeschooling per se or even if your kids don't see it that way. His kids will forever lack one of the beautiful parts of life.
I know plenty of people who for one reason or another didn't have close (or sometimes any) friendships as kids but have gone on to develop many deep and rewarding adult friendships, so I don't think it's necessarily a matter of "doomed forever" -- the tragedy of excluded or socially isolated children is that it makes them miserable, which sucks even if they are later not miserable any more, but it doesn't sound like Caplan's kids ever were. People, including children, are just really different from one another! (Mine would not be happy with Caplan's model; I would probably have preferred it to my own high school experience.)
I think it's a bit early to say that 'his kids will forever lack one of the beautiful parts of life' - they're just starting university, and may finally have a chance to make friends more aligned to their values and interests! I don't think it's unusual to have a very miserable and lonely schooling experience but for that to change dramatically at a later stage of life - in a charitable reading of the above, Caplan is just letting his twins skip the 'being miserable' step.
Even aside from the 'wait and see' plan, most of my friends pre-uni came from outside of school (where I was bored and/or miserable), namely hobbies and part-time work, both of which are at least as accessible while being home-schooled.
Do I plan to homeschool my kids? No - my partner and I both have time-intensive jobs, and we would struggle to give a full, well-rounded education to our children on that basis, and, despite what I said above, I do think schooling gives a valuable socialisation that parents need to specifically work to complement if not available. That said, if they were deeply miserable and bored at school, I would certainly consider doing some sort of combination of homeschooling + tutoring.
Thanks for this - I'm always trying to find as much ammo as possible to convince my friends who are on the fence about children that
1) kids are great; and
2) it doesn't *need* to be stressful and miserable
Aside from the societal-level demographic crisis, I think there's a huge amount of individual meaning and happiness being left on the table by people who would be great parents having been convinced that it's this awful, impossible thing.
This was such a good read, long yet I have learned a lot each paragraph. And well researched! Thanks for writing it up.
Thanks a lot! Beautifully written and very informative, and helpful as I'm trying to integrate some personal observations with something less anecdotal.
Do you know of something similar for older ages? Childhood rather than infancy? I do note marked changes in children's behavior in different cultures (though I don't have illusions that this greatly shapes their adult characters), which I want to cherrypick for my kids.
The closest thing I’ve found is Hunt, Gather, Parent, which I hesitate to recommend because on the cultures I actually know anything about I think she elides a lot of the less savory aspects — yes, the Inuit are really undemonstrative emotionally except when they’re engaging in really horrific domestic and child abuse! — but which does put forward a couple of alternative models to the WEIRD concept of the relationship between parents and children. That said kids are so individual that the way you get to Outcome X with one won’t be the same as with another — the bigger Q is what you want your family culture to be, and how to make that work for your whole family.
Thanks!
I read that, and parts were interesting, and the motivation of the author seemed similar to mine. But I was left unsatisfied both by the small number of cultures, and by a sense that there wasn't the commitment to reporting the truth that anthropologists have, since the facts and message were a little too savoury for the WEIRD palate.
Maybe I need more primary materials.
I am surprised to learn that "Nisa" has been described as documenting a messed-up society. A documentary film available on Kanopy, "N!ai, The Story of a !Kung Woman," very clearly contrasts changes to !Kung society over the 20th century, and I definitely have some preferences. Anyway, that was just an aside. Fantastic essay and I'm very glad to be introduced to your writing.
edit: I see that the book in question quotes Nisa's anger and pain over high child mortality, which, I mean... fair!
I'm going off my recollections of _Sick Societies_, because I got it from the library and don't have it in front of me, but I think that's basically right -- she may also have had something critical to say about the whole "giving birth alone in the wilderness" thing, which again, fair! I don't mean to imply that the !Kung are particularly bad, just that there are major downsides too which tend to get elided in our romanticization of a pastoral (foraging?) past.
I don’t think Caplan really messed up his kids, but I wouldn’t use his homeschooling program as an example of a great childhood. He writes:
“The plain fact is that my sons grew up with very few friends their own age. Critics will definitely blame homeschooling, but the truth is that the twins had few friends their own age even when they were in regular school. They’re old souls, who naturally have much more in common with adults. (That said, they are the most nurturing older brothers I have ever known). And since the twins were homeschooled, they were able to socialize with hundreds of fascinating, accomplished adults. We lived abroad for many months, and made friends in Germany, Britain, France, Switzerland, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Spain, Guatemala, Mexico, and all over the U.S. Especially Texas, where we spent three months of Covid. And with the exception of those three awful weeks of high school and three agonizing months of filling out college applications, Aidan and Tristan were pleased as punch throughout.”
Your own decisions as a parent directly or indirectly preventing your children from making actual friends is a pretty serious failure of parenting, regardless of whether this resulted from the homeschooling per se or even if your kids don't see it that way. His kids will forever lack one of the beautiful parts of life.
I know plenty of people who for one reason or another didn't have close (or sometimes any) friendships as kids but have gone on to develop many deep and rewarding adult friendships, so I don't think it's necessarily a matter of "doomed forever" -- the tragedy of excluded or socially isolated children is that it makes them miserable, which sucks even if they are later not miserable any more, but it doesn't sound like Caplan's kids ever were. People, including children, are just really different from one another! (Mine would not be happy with Caplan's model; I would probably have preferred it to my own high school experience.)
I think it's a bit early to say that 'his kids will forever lack one of the beautiful parts of life' - they're just starting university, and may finally have a chance to make friends more aligned to their values and interests! I don't think it's unusual to have a very miserable and lonely schooling experience but for that to change dramatically at a later stage of life - in a charitable reading of the above, Caplan is just letting his twins skip the 'being miserable' step.
Even aside from the 'wait and see' plan, most of my friends pre-uni came from outside of school (where I was bored and/or miserable), namely hobbies and part-time work, both of which are at least as accessible while being home-schooled.
Do I plan to homeschool my kids? No - my partner and I both have time-intensive jobs, and we would struggle to give a full, well-rounded education to our children on that basis, and, despite what I said above, I do think schooling gives a valuable socialisation that parents need to specifically work to complement if not available. That said, if they were deeply miserable and bored at school, I would certainly consider doing some sort of combination of homeschooling + tutoring.