Alexi and I try to make a habit of telling each other about the smaller, hidden bits of maintenance (e.g. the perennial wet swiffering of the floor, erased by the time he's home; unpacking and rearranging the boxes in the storage room). Because it would be easy to not notice them, and we try to tell and receive them not as a "Because you never notice" and more as a "I know you wouldn't want to miss the chance to be happy about this" and that's mostly where we land!
I love this book! I bought it when it came out in 1999 and it’s on my shelf right now.
As I’ve suffered through a debilitating illness over the last year, I’ve been grateful for the slack in our household system—slack which is only available because my husband and I made the choice for me not to work outside the home. Giving ourselves that space is, in my opinion, another good reason for one person to opt out of a “typical” employment track.
I have suspected for a long time that the reason it feels like everything is falling apart is that we have spent the past 50 years wringing out every bit of "slack" in our systems--domestic, family, business, health care, social services, transportation....you name it. Corporations have been mercilessly paring away extra capacity--both human and non-human---in order to maximize shareholder value. We're seeing what happens when there's no more fat to cut--you get a very fragile system where one interruption creates a cascade effect and a lot of stuff breaks.
There is a lot of hand wringing about the "daycare crisis" and the coming crisis in which massive number of elders need care and there is nobody to do it. The problem is that the kind of intimate and intermittent care that both kids and elders need is just not scalable. It makes no sense to go to a job and earn a paycheck only to turn around and spend said paycheck on paying somebody to take care of your kids while you are earning the paycheck and to pay somebody to take your mom to the doctor because you are at work and can't do it yourself. You're just on a treadmill trading dollars and you don't have much to show for it other than a hectic life where everything seems rushed and you spend your evenings doing laundry and ordering groceries online rather than reading to your kids or helping them build legos.
Anyway--great essay and thank you for expressing this valuable work in terms of quality of life.
Not terribly relevant for you, but just in case it helps someone else clicking through from your "Family Unfriendly" review -- in my experience, the trick to getting around nannies who don't want to help with housework, when you have young children and a full-time job, is to hire a rotating cast of college freshmen (ish) as "mother's helpers" who are not nearly so persnickety about what they will and won't do. You have to be flexible about their hours (so it works better for moms who work part time or have flexible jobs) but if you can get 4-5 on rotation it's really lovely.
This is good advice! We once had a nursing student as a regular date night sitter, and after the kids had gone to bed she would *fold my laundry* if I left it in plain view. The only downside to college students is that eventually they graduate and go off to do something that is not hanging out with your kids.
Alexi and I try to make a habit of telling each other about the smaller, hidden bits of maintenance (e.g. the perennial wet swiffering of the floor, erased by the time he's home; unpacking and rearranging the boxes in the storage room). Because it would be easy to not notice them, and we try to tell and receive them not as a "Because you never notice" and more as a "I know you wouldn't want to miss the chance to be happy about this" and that's mostly where we land!
I love this book! I bought it when it came out in 1999 and it’s on my shelf right now.
As I’ve suffered through a debilitating illness over the last year, I’ve been grateful for the slack in our household system—slack which is only available because my husband and I made the choice for me not to work outside the home. Giving ourselves that space is, in my opinion, another good reason for one person to opt out of a “typical” employment track.
I have suspected for a long time that the reason it feels like everything is falling apart is that we have spent the past 50 years wringing out every bit of "slack" in our systems--domestic, family, business, health care, social services, transportation....you name it. Corporations have been mercilessly paring away extra capacity--both human and non-human---in order to maximize shareholder value. We're seeing what happens when there's no more fat to cut--you get a very fragile system where one interruption creates a cascade effect and a lot of stuff breaks.
There is a lot of hand wringing about the "daycare crisis" and the coming crisis in which massive number of elders need care and there is nobody to do it. The problem is that the kind of intimate and intermittent care that both kids and elders need is just not scalable. It makes no sense to go to a job and earn a paycheck only to turn around and spend said paycheck on paying somebody to take care of your kids while you are earning the paycheck and to pay somebody to take your mom to the doctor because you are at work and can't do it yourself. You're just on a treadmill trading dollars and you don't have much to show for it other than a hectic life where everything seems rushed and you spend your evenings doing laundry and ordering groceries online rather than reading to your kids or helping them build legos.
Anyway--great essay and thank you for expressing this valuable work in terms of quality of life.
Not terribly relevant for you, but just in case it helps someone else clicking through from your "Family Unfriendly" review -- in my experience, the trick to getting around nannies who don't want to help with housework, when you have young children and a full-time job, is to hire a rotating cast of college freshmen (ish) as "mother's helpers" who are not nearly so persnickety about what they will and won't do. You have to be flexible about their hours (so it works better for moms who work part time or have flexible jobs) but if you can get 4-5 on rotation it's really lovely.
This is good advice! We once had a nursing student as a regular date night sitter, and after the kids had gone to bed she would *fold my laundry* if I left it in plain view. The only downside to college students is that eventually they graduate and go off to do something that is not hanging out with your kids.
If you catch them in high school, you can get a good 6 years out of the run. Bonus points if they have little sisters!
Tried and true 👍